Three Wishes

If I could make three wishes...

Right now (on September 9th, 2005 at 7:48pm e.s.t) this is what I would wish for:

WISH #1: I Wish To Be Canadian

Seriously. This is not a joke.

It may have been a joke 1 year and 17 months ago. But, right now (at 7:49pm e.s.t.) it is no longer funny. I wish to be Canadian.

And it's not only because of the many convenient Dairy Queen locations but also because Canadians are so full of joy.

Like this young Canadian:

Okay, maybe "joy" is not the word.

Proud?

Canadians are so full of proud.

And pride.

They have such an intense and seething pride that it masks their inner warmth and kindness.

I love Canadians.

So do beavers:

Beavers...and this guy:


He loves it so much that he created snow.

Also, if I were Canadian I could talk on my cellphone while walking down the street on the way to Dairy Queen and say "Yeah...I'm oot and aboot" and the person I was talking to wouldn't laugh.

Also, I could say "You like nachos, ay?" and everyone would just smile and nod as they dipped into the guac.

I would say "Ay?" all the time!

Yes, I would. And nobody would try and stop me.

But the most important reason I wish to be Canadian right now (8:23pm e.s.t.) is this guy:

I wouldn't have to see him so much. He wouldn't be ruining my country!

And when he appeared on the tele, I could just change the channel and watch "Terrence and Philip" instead.

Also, Dairy Queen.

WISH #2: I Wish To Invent Carb-less Bread

Yes this is a truly selfish and materialistic wish.

But, do you know how much money I could make?!

Answer: A lot of money.

I could finally afford my own apartment in Toronto with a private jet to take me to work in New York City. I could also have my very own disco ball.

Because, hey...free disco balls!

But really it's not about the money and free gifts. It's about the bread.

And my breads would be available in all shapes and sizes... for everybody to enjoy!

There would be bears:

And Kittens:


Americans would love my breads...


WISH #3: I Wish I Had Never Seen The CAVE

I know this wish seems trivial and does not even have a lot of comic potential.

I am aware of that.

I know it may seem like a wasted wish to some...but still, it is something that right now (8:34pm e.s.t) I truly wish.

Since I am incredibly claustraphobic and am terrified of dangerous sea creatures, I thought this might be the best new sci-fi/horror film since Deep Blue Sea.

Boy, was I wrong.

I left unscathed...unscarred...

I wasted time and for that...

and for now (12:33am e.s.t.)...

I rub the lamp: