REAL LIVE DOGS!

Last night was a beautiful summer eve. Seriously. Beautiful.

In fact, it was 76 degrees Fahrenheit, with 42 percent humidity with winds from NNW at 9mph.

Perfect.

And I had the great fortune of attending Two Gentlemen of Verona as part of what is the Public Theater's 50th historic year of Shakespeare in the Park. It was the perfect night to be outside watching Shakespeare...or rather, a rock musical adapation of Shakespeare that, back in 1972, for some mysterious and absurd reason actually won Best Musical over Sondheim's Follies.

Perfect.

In addition to having great seats, great weather, wonderful music and an amazing cast (led by the young up-and-coming star of Rent, Daphne Rubin-Vega) I got to thinking about something that is becoming quite a trend in the theatre: Real Live Dogs!

In Two Gents, Launce shares a few scenes and comic "conversations" with his dog, Crab. Crab was played onstage by a real live dog who was credited in the playbill with the sole name "Buster." We have Madonna, Prince, Cher and Anna Nicole...now there's Buster.

I believe Uta Hagen once said, if you throw a baby or an animal up on stage, nobody is going to watch the actors. Or was it Stephen Hawking.

Well, okay....so it seems that some people believe babies to be "cute" and "loveable"

however:

The puppy has no competition.

And as proven last night, on the stage of the Delacorte theatre, the dog steals the show. Buster had even more fans at the stage door than any of the real live people...including Ms. Rubin-Vega!!

It's only real competition came from the flying dove which, on it's first entrance directly o'er my little head, scared the shit out of me. But I soon came to realize, as it flew toward stage, that the bird seemed to be either incredibly stiff or the work of a master taxidermist. And, in my opinion, taxidermy does not really belong in the American Musical Theatre.

For anyone who has seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the fantasmagorical musical currently playing at the Hilton Theatre on 42nd Street, you will know that a gaggle of real live dogs swarm the factory scene in pursuit of everybody's favorite candy the "Toot-Sweet." I applauded and "awwwww-ed" right along with all the children in the audience. "Look at all those dogs! Ha ha ha! Dogs!" They got almost as much applause as the flying car machine.

So, while actors of the silver screen are currently fearing the development of CGI characters as replacements for live actors...the members of Actor's Equity should be fearing the popularity of the onstage canine.

I mean, really, who would you rather see in the next revival of A Streetcar Named Desire?

Suzanne Somers or Buster?

Alicia Silverstone even has a webpage run by her dog, Samson. And where is Alicia Silverstone these days!?

There are only 2 other kind of dogs that pose any kind of threat to the working canine.

1.

and 2.

#1. The Reservoir Dogs. Not really a threat. Put seven Busters in a room with those guys, see who comes out unscathed.

#2. The prairie dog. Small. Unassuming. But...very cute and unpredicatable!! And they can sing.

But here, some actor canines, perfectly capture the natural action of the prairie dog, while also providing a subtle social comment on their scandalous mating rituals:

Studies show that during a 4- or 5- hour period, a female Prairie Dog may mate with as many as 5 different males. All I have is a still photo, but in action, the dogs above can convey that fact with merely the wag of a tail.

So, Stage Actors of America beware! The canines are here! All the Vanessa Redgraves and Deborah Gibsons of tomorrow may have some serious competition in the coming years. And all I can recommend is to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

Experience # 70052

From : Customerexperience@JambaJuice.com
To : daasolomon@hotmail.com

Subject : Jamba Juice - Experience # 70052


Hello David,

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with us. I am so sorry to learn that we discontinued your favorite bread!

There was a ton of work (consumer research, testing, tasting, etc.) that went in to this change in breads and we are hearing some great feedback. However, we are also hearing from those customers that prefer the other breads. At the end of the day, it will be the customer that decides what stays! I will be sure to share your voice with the appropriate folks for review.

Thanks again for your comments and we sincerely hope you will continue to visit us.

Sincerely,
Jennifer Hofeling
Customer Service
Jamba Juice Company

"We aspire to deliver the perfect Jamba Experience to each and every Customer, each and every time!"

MY RESPONSE:


A photo of me (now also known as: Experience # 70052) and David Blaine in London.

David Blaine is the one suspended in a glass box over the Thames...starving himself for 44 days.

I am the one in the foreground making an expression that seems to say, "I can't believe there will never be another Grin N' Carrot."

The couple to my right are Communists.

At the time of this photo (fall 2003), I didn't even know that Jamba Juice existed. Wait...did it?

According to my favorite website (www.jambajuice.com), Jamba Juice founded its first store in San Luis Obispo, California in 1990.

So, it did exist. I was just not aware.

But the point is...the POINT is...at the time of this photo I was really thinking "I don't like David Blaine. I think his starvation "stunt" is insulting and the only thing he really hungers for is media attention."

In fact, right when that photo was taken I was thinking...

"I am making an angry face. Grrrr."

From CNN.com (October 20, 2003):

>>The stunt has captivated Londoners, with huge crowds gathering every day at Tower Bridge. Some threw eggs and golf balls at Blaine, others held barbecues underneath his box and one man was fined after trying to sabotage his water supply. Others bared their breasts and buttocks at him while some banged drums to keep him awake at night. <<

When I was there, some guy was chanting something or other...and some other person ran up and punched him in the face. A fight broke out. The bobbies intervened. David Blaine looked down in horror then curled up in a corner and cried.

An interview from his little glass shelter:

Q. Are you bored?

A. I believe that boredom is a choice that we have.

Q. So are you choosing to be bored?

A. No, I am choosing to learn.

Q. Explain that again, why aren't you bored?

A. Boredom is a state of mind. We have a choice. I choose to not be bored. I chose to observe and listen.

Q. And you have lost a bit of weight as well?

A. I expect probably about 35 pounds.

When he was released from his great glass elevator, Mr. Blaine came out crying -- he spoke the following:

"This has been one of the most important experiences of my life," he said.

"I have learned more in that little box than I have learned in years. I have learned how important it is to have a sense of humor and laugh at everything because nothing makes any sense anyway. I have learned how strong we all are as human beings. But most importantly I have learned to appreciate the simple things in life -- a smile from a stranger or a loved one, the sunrise and the sunset, everything that God has given us, I love you all so much."

So, wait a minute...most Jamba Juice customers really do prefer the other breads!?!?

Grrrr.

Jersey Redemption

So...contrary to my earlier posting...in which I merely suggested that New Jersey might be one of the least interesting things in the world...I have to admit that this slippery little state is beginning to sneak it's way into my bitter soul.

Not only do they provide the closest Dairy Queen to NYC, but it seems that New Jersey is slowly moving away from its title of "Garden State" and it will soon be known only as the "Chum State."

CHUM: Bait usually consisting of oily fish ground up and scattered on the water.

but "chum" also means:

"a close friend who accompanies his buddies in their activities"

and it seems like Jersey is becoming the perfect place for close friends to grab a pail of oily ground up fish heads and journey out to the shore or the woods and hunt down two of nature's most dangerous predators.

Earlier this summer, there was a Great White Shark attack off Jersey shores. see photo below (WARNING - grapic image!!):

Having a little shark obsession myself, I became intrigued by the idea of setting out on a chumming expedition with two of my closest chums...compare scars, sing whaling songs, and mutter phrases such as "We're gonna' need a bigger boat."


Now....today in the New York Times there is an article about the growing bear population and the controversial topic as to whether the estimated 3,400 bears need to be lessened through a legalized and controlled "bear hunt."

Yes, this is serious. And true. Seriously true. There are an estimated 3,400 bears in the state of New Jersey. And they are a serious threat to the future generations of mallrats and Dippin' Dot customers.

In fact, my friend Cassandra took this picture out her window in South Orange, New Jersey just this morning:


Unbeliveable.

Cassandra (known to some only as "The Pigeon") did provide the following message of comfort to all Jersey-ites (or rather, for her own well-being):

"Luckily I am on the third floor of my complex, so a bear would have to climb up my fire escape and punch out my air conditioner to get in. Even then all they would find to eat is a piece of pita bread and some plantain chips."

Unfortunately, not all of us are Puerto Rican and survive on plaintains and Catholic guilt. If there were bears in Williamsburg, I guarantee they would climb right in our 2nd story window, eat the feline and be watching my DVD of Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day by the time I got home from work.

So, I feel for those in Jersey who have to fear these dangerous balls of carniverous fur (in addition to the casual rapist and psycho killer) on their long walks home from the PATH train.

I think it's time to start chumming. (There are some worthwhile beginner instructions, here. HERE!) And maybe we can chum, not with the intention to kill...but rather to bring more tourists and a better economy to the former Garden State. We can chum the bears and sharks into their own little world -- "Chum World" where they can wander free, be observed and maybe even be loved a little. It is time.

A message of great importance.

A letter I just wrote to Jamba Juice via their website:

www.jambajuice.com

(For those of you who may not be familiar, Jamba Juice is becoming for smoothies what Starbucks is for coffee...get ready world! Get ready Steven Spielberg!)

also, if you share my feelings below, please be sure to write to the lovely people at www.jambajuice.com

also, this letter appears exactly as i sent it. i am not dramatizing it for the blog readers of this world...i say it like it is...and here it is:

Hi. I am just writing with an inquiry I've been meaning to make for a long time.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GRIN N' CARROT!?!!??!

That was undeniably the best product you offered in your "baked goods" section...and one day it just suddenly disappeared. "Poof!" Like that. Gone.

I know many other people (including a number of co-workers) were also big fans of this magical carrot concoction. Whether off the shelf or toasted ever so slightly, it certainly brought a grin to my little face on a busy work day.

In the store they told us "it wasn't selling well." So I guess that is what happens...something doesn't bring in the bucks, you get rid of it. Send it off to carrot heaven. But I never buy any of those pizza-stick-thing-a-ma-bobbers. And when I go to Jamba with my co-worker, John, we often take a moment of silence to mourn the great loss of the Grin N' Carrot.

I mean, really! I think it's time to bring it back. They were just so damn good! And anyone who prefers a pizza-parmesan-pretzal-who-ha-mabugger needs to know what they are missing!
Bring back the Grin N' Carrot. Or please send me a year-long supply and I will kindly share and distribute them to all of us who are mourning this great jamba loss.

This message is written with humor, but a profound seriousness prevails.

People want the carrot!

Thank You...

David Solomon

Waffles and this amazing thing some call "life"

Today on my way to work...waiting for the N/R/Q or, perhaps, W...i had a thought.

one, simple thought:

waffles.

and it wasn't a general thought. it wasn't the all-encompassing waffle thought. it was very specific.

not eggos...

not dad's homemade sunday waffles...

it was those little small, square waffles that were one of the rotating menu items that you could get when you bought lunch at my grammar school in North Haven, Connecticut.

there would be two waffles and a little plastic thing of maple syrup...and, i believe, two little chain-link sausages. all for the incredibly affordable price of $2. (i think that's what it was, anyway)

there were also the days of French Bread pizza and the classic, cardboard quality grilled cheese. but it was all so good! what i wouldn't give for one of those little waffle plates right at this moment!

and i'm pretty sure it was some kind of smell near the garbage bags piled up in the corner of the subway platform that triggered this memory. i couldn't figure out what the smell was...and it wasn't the normal putrid summer stench of subway garbage...it was the smell of grammar school waffles.

then, i thought of my second-favorite waffle memory:

the first time i discovered Waffle House...on a college spring-break road trip to Florida! Waffle House was bigger than Starbucks in New York City. Who knew!? I had never even seen a Waffle House...and suddenly they are popping up like crazy...two on each corner. Seven on every block. it's quite a phenomenon.

when i went to North Carolina this past spring with Pants (aka Josh)...same thing. waffle houses everywhere. only sporadically broken apart by the occassional Cracker Barrel.

why aren't there waffle houses in the Northeast? maybe i should call my friend at Dairy Queen and find out!?

i guess, here in the New York...we're more into our Eggo whole-grain low-fat waffles.

...in their nice little yellow box.

and why is everything associated with waffles yellow? the eggo box...the waffle house scrabble sign?

what we have learned from this entry:

yellow = waffle

**

in other news, yesterday was one of those days that made me think...oh, this is why life is amazing.

and i won't use this time to get all personal and blog-gushy. but sometimes, life seems awful and you cry a lot. and some days, life is so exciting...like jesus.

yesterday was one of those.

in fact, there have not been a lot of those awful days lately. i haven't cried in a long time. (i think it's because i've been eating my Nutri-grain waffles)

anyway, back in 1952 i saw the original cast of Rent. It was amazing. I was in college at the time and I loved it. Yes, I did. I was never a "Rent-head" per se, but I loved it. And yesterday, as some of the original cast...now in their mid-to-late 70s...sang in Bryant Park (for the upcoming movie release) I felt like a little college half-jew all over again.

later that night, jay brannan opened his Ars Nova gig with a sarcastic a cappella "Seasons of Love." FYI - Jay hates musicals. Jay singing Rent = funny. And it was. Dave can love Rent and Dave can laugh at Rent. I am incredibly versatile.

the point is...and i don't really know this Jay guy...met him once...went to his gig...he was amazing. check him out. www.jaybrannan.com

i mean, seriously.

he makes bitterness beautiful. he captures being young and gay like a gregg araki movie captures child molestation. his music is incredible. he was incredible. if i describe it any further, we will end up with a mess of cliche that would undermine everything about him...so, forget it.

yellow = waffle. life is like jesus. the end.

The Two Most Important Things In Life.

Here they are. The 2 most important things in life...and in no particular order.

1. Jurassic Park

2. Dairy Queen

Now, seriously...let's start with #1.

Jurassic Park may be the most exciting thing that ever happened in the world of the cinema. Now my dvd collection includes everything from The Bicycle Thief to Beauty and the Beast: The Enchanted Christmas...so, let's just say, I have a wide range of taste. And while I have a love of Spielberg, in general, those dinos just turn me into a little kid. I have all 3 on dvd. I have the little giftset with the bonus disc. I have a raptor claw that my roomate Andrea gave me for Christmas. When I was visiting my friend Paige in LA, I made her ride the Jurassic Park Ride two times in a row...and when we came down that 84-foot drop, Paige was screaming and I had tears running down my face. Not from the drop...the wind and water rushing into my corneas...but from the pure joy of being attacked by an angry T-Rex.

And I am embarrassed to admit...or rather, not embarrassed to admit...that I have not watched a Jurassic Park movie all summer. And what is summer without Jurassic Park!!??

I tell you...right now, at this very instant, I wish I were the girl in this picture:










So lucky.

Now...#2.

D.Q.

Here is what happens when you go to Dairy Queen.com and use the "Locate a Store" feature to search for the Dairy Queen closest to my "convenient" midtown Manhattan location:

Dairy Queen
6903 Kennedy Blvd.
North Bergen, NJ 07047
201-869-0910

now here are the 2 least important things in life:

1. New Jersey.

2. New Jersey.

I love the malls and all, but really!

((Actually, I did get kind of excited/scared when there was a Great White Shark attack off the Jersey shore and I tried to find a boat that would take me chumming...but i digress...)

Why are there no Dairy Queens in New York City!! I am going to call the number above and ask them this question. Please hold...

Ok. I'm back. Thanks for holding.

I got a very nice woman on the phone.

Woman: "Hello. Dairy Queen."

Me: "I have a very random question."

Woman: "Okay?"

Me: "Why aren't there any Dairy Queens in New York City."

She laughs.

Woman: "I don't know."

She continues to laugh.

I explained to her that people in New York want Dairy Queen and didn't she think it was weird that there weren't any in the city. SHE DID! She agreed. I told her to pass my inquiry on to the powers that be. I should have asked her her name and told her that we should open a Dairy Queen. A nice big one right in Union Square. That would give Jamba Juice a run for their money!! Someone is missing out on a major opportunity. If you are interested in opening a franchise, please visit Dairyqueen.com and I will fully support you with my blizzard purchases.

The last time I had a really good blizzard was in Canada. And that's no joke. I went all the way to Toronto just for some good ol' DQ. (okay...and to visit my cousin) But here we are...the highlight of our time together:









See. Dairy Queen made us so happy. And, for a fleeting moment, somewhat introspective:













So, please. Make the calls, visit the websites...let's find out how we can make this happen!

Summer will be over before we know it and New York City deserves a blizzard!

(and i think we all know...a McFlurry just doesn't cut it)

today...

there will be no exciting blog post. at least from me...

i am swamped at work. and i had to work on a separate project this weekend...and i'm trying to revise a play i've been working on...and the eye parts of my face are starting to hurt from staring at a computer screen.

also, i'm a martyr.

in fact, in high school i was President of the "Martyr Club"

why is high school coming up so much in my blog entries?! do i have repressed childhood memories? was i raped and murdered in high school? why did i cry when i saw "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" on broadway? i think it's because i used to watch that movie as a kid and all the words to every song came rushing back. or it's because i was raped.

or is it because i know that some of my high school friends are reading this blog.
yes. maybe it's just that simple.

and the sooz is reading. she posted a comment to josh's last entry and not only upset him with her personal disseminators of information but also used the name Susan. Do not let this confuse you. Susan (aka Susie; aka the Sooz) is all one and the same and she will hopefully continue to bring her knowledge of life and the dewey decimal system to the comment section of our blog.

anyway. enough. i'm busy. like jesus.

but i have been having a lot of important thoughts about Dairy Queen...so stay tuned.